Midnight Thoughts
by LillyAnnSkigh
Summary: Dean takes time to think back on life and his new relationship with Castiel.
1. As He Sleeps

Short, little one shot. Please read and review. Let me know if you like it, don't like it, have suggestions, comments, ideas, etc. All rights go to the creators of Supernatural

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I'm not sure when it happened the first time. Maybe it was when he first explained who he was; explained that he saved me from Hell. Or maybe it was one of the many times he saved me and Sam from yet another life threatening situation. But I really think that it was when he admitted that he was wrong and ultimately helped Sam.

It was brave of him to completely take Sam's insanity. To become one with the Devil as Sam was. I saw how Sam was. Slowly being broken down, unable to eat and sleep. Then he saved him. He pulled the memories into himself and allowed Sam to live. It almost killed him, and that in itself was scary enough. If it almost killed an angel, what would it have done to a human. Granted the human had demon blood inside him, but still.

Now, though, he seems to have been completely healed. The memories are still there and he still sees him. I think he just got stronger, was able to contain everything more. He changed after he took the memories though. Got a sense of humor and lost the cool, bland way he spoke to people. He is no longer so oblivious to things, he is much more observant.

It's the little things about him that make me glad that I chose to be with him after all this time. Sam wanted to leave again, he is always leaving. But my angel simply told me to let him and is now the only company I keep for more than a day. It's impossible to keep other company, really. We share an apartment, share a room, and share a bed. I never would thought that this was what my future would bring.

Not only had I always swung towards women, I had simply thought of him as my friend. Most people don't start serious relationships with their best friends, although we aren't exactly most people. Everything that we have been through, I'm just grateful that we have each other. When everyone around us leaves or dies, it's nice to have an angel to come home to.

We were able to rebuild Bobby's house and we turned it into the salvage yard and office that it was once meant to be. I mean, sure, when we want a break from the big city, we go on weekend excursions to the house and relax. He gets to go on his long walks and I get to fix cars. And we both get the lake visits that Sam and I used to treasure so much while we stayed with Bobby while Dad was on hunts.

I think everyone we used to call family would be proud of us and what we were able to create with the shreds of life that we were given. Sam was finally able to go back to school, last I heard. He isn't big on talking to me anymore. I suppose that the stress of the life finally got to him, or maybe he fell into another relationship. God knows the kid could never stay in a relationship as long as I was around.

But I think as long as I can lie in this bed and hold my angel close to me that life is as good as it's going to get. I used to dream that Mom and Dad were still alive and that Sam still had Jess. And it used to keep me up at night, along with the nightmares. Sometimes it feels like the life is never really behind us, I keep expecting some big, bad monster to show up and start a whole other mess.

As the night gets later, I slowly climb from the bed as not to wake the sleeping angel and walk around the apartment, checking the devil's traps and the salt lines. After making sure all the windows and doors are shut and locked, I check my phone to finally find a voicemail from Sam calling to tell me that he is doing fine. As I walk back to bed, I think that this is finally the apple pie life that Sam and I deserve after saving the world for so many years.


	2. Dinner

Well this was supposed to be a one shot. My friend convinced me to continue it so this chapter is for her. Please read and review. Let me know if you like it, don't like it, have suggestions, comments, ideas, etc. All rights go to the creators of Supernatural

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Most days, Cas is normal, nothing is really bugging him. But like any traumatized person, or being, he has his bad days, and today happened to be one of them. I had thought about going in to work today, but it seemed impossible as Cas was barely able to make it to the table before falling over from exhaustion. It would seem that he was up all night having a conversation with his brother, the Devil.

I guide him to the table where he flops down into the chair and lets his body slump foreword. I have to jump towards him and pull him back to keep him from hitting his head on the glass table top. When he has days like this, it is damn near impossible to leave him alone. He is accident prone, always too tired to actually do anything worthwhile. As soon as I am convinced he won't fall foreword again, I slowly make my way to the counter to fix dinner. I constantly glance back to make sure he doesn't fall or try and get up.

Silently I pull the things off the shelves to make soup and sigh softly. I hear a quiet noise and turn to see Cas talking animatedly to the empty chair beside him. It kills me to see him like this, even though it doesn't happen often. It still hurts, knowing that he took this from Sam for me, and Sam. Not that Sam deserved this fate, but neither does Cas. Even though he made a pretty big mistake, he thought he was doing it for the good of him friends and followers. He wanted to help them and thought that by becoming the new God, he would be able to do that and more. I don't think he knew that by trying to help he would cause a huge slew of different problems; problems that were almost impossible to fix.

Cas slams his hands down on the table and moves to stand up. I walk briskly towards him and put my hands on his shoulders, gently pushing him back down into his seat. He lets his head fall foreword until it touches my chest and I can hear the quiet sobs. He apologizes over and over, a quiet litany that seems to soothe him after a few moments. He eventually looks up at me and I lean him back in the chair so I can see him better. There are bags under his bloodshot eyes and his face droops slightly. His mouth hangs open a bit and tears run down his cheeks. His hair is a tousled mess from him messing with it all day. But the one thing that remained the same is the way he looks at me with grief in his eyes, but that is shadowed by the compassion and gratitude.

I bend down and softly kiss his forehead before walking back to the counter to finish dinner. It will, hopefully, be the one meal he actually manages to stomach. Apparently, Lucifer is continuously making his food look rotten and filled with maggots. If I saw that, I wouldn't want to eat it either, but he has to eat and I will force him to, if it comes to that. As the food cooks, I turn and watch Cas, who gives me a strained smile. If anything, the smile means that he is getting better for the night, which means that I can get him to sleep tonight. Most times this happens, he doesn't sleep for two or three days.

When the food is done, I bring it to the table and watch as Cas grimaces. I lean over and whisper to him that there is nothing in the food, that Lucifer is just playing games with him. He gives me an exasperated look but slowly begins to eat. He gags once or twice, but he manages to get the whole bowl down. The food does him good, gives him color in his cheeks. I hate seeing him like that; it's like watching Sam all over again. Pale cheeks and bloodshot eyes unsettle me, for obvious reasons, but its worse when it happens to someone you love.

Later, when I finally get Cas to bed, he glances up and tells me that he loves me. It makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes. I blink them quickly away, not wanting him to see my pain and kiss his cheek before pulling him close to me. I run my hand up and down his back, soothing him until his eyelids fall shut. I sigh softly and smile before closing my eyes softly and finally voicing my feelings.

"I love you, too, Castiel. I love you, too."


	3. Opening Up

Please read and review. Let me know if you like it, don't like it, have suggestions, comments, ideas, etc. All rights go to the creators of Supernatural

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Sam came by to visit today. He didn't stay long, said he didn't want to upset Cas by being there. I think the real problem is that he blames himself for the situation that Cas is in now. He doesn't seem to understand that Cas did it himself. I love Castiel, but this entire situation is entirely his fault. It weighs on me though, that my brother can't stand to be around my lover. We all used to be so close and as things happen we grow further and further apart. At some point we will stop talking all together. Sam hardly ever talks to me as it is; always blaming college and saying he's too busy doing homework to call me.

Everyone knows what the problem is, and when Sam does manage to show up, Cas always locks himself in the bedroom and makes me pretend he isn't here. It kills me to think that they won't even try to be around each other anymore. The days that they used to pretend that things were okay are long gone, and nothing I do changes it or fixes anything. We used to be able to go out for drinks, just me and Sam. Now, he told me he doesn't think he will be able to see me too much anymore. I know that he feels ashamed, but I don't know how to help.

Cas walks around the corner into the living room and gives me a bland smile. He's having a good day, he told me this morning as he woke me with a kiss to the cheek. I give him a strained smile in return and pat the couch next to me. I know that we will pass the next few moments in companionable silence, and it sooths me; knowing that I don't have to say anything. He sinks on the cushion beside me and leans against me, gently resting his head on my shoulder. His silent support caused my eyes to begin to water and I slowly reached up to brush the tears out of my eyes.

It was the hardest thing for me to deal with, knowing that I was always playing mediator between Cas and Sam. I was always working through things with them, trying to go between each of the two. It was wearing me out, always deciding between them. Ever since we stopped the apocalypse and Sam came back with no soul, things have always been difficult. It was like everyone was walking on eggshells, no matter what we did. Despite the rare times where everything was peaceful, the issue is always present, maybe temporarily buried under the rug of family secrets.

Cas presses close to me and begins whispering in my ear, a long litany of things I never even knew he thought about. He told me about the things he sees, how they are so much worse that Sam's because he knew Lucifer more. Lucifer, as he told me, was a constant discussion in his life, and his punishment as a young angel was to check in on Lucifer. During the check-ins, he would always learn something new, but he was almost always insulted or harassed. There was nothing he could do to stop it; until he was old enough that they higher ups stopped punishing him with torment. Then they began locking him in a room where he was unable to use his abilities. He whispered everything that had happened to him since being created; everything from before we met until after.

When he begins crying, he pull him onto my lap and hold him against me, gently rubbing his back and soothing him, allowing him to share all his fears and pain. As he gets into how it felt, taking all Sam's pain, I begin to cry with him, finally realizing the large amount of pain that my brother and my lover were in. I understand now how hard it was for Sam growing up. Not only had Cas absorbed everything from Sam's time in Hell, he also took all the supernatural powers that had been forced onto Sam through the demon blood. He explained how hard it really was, working through the pain that the visions caused and how hard the demon blood addiction was for Sam.

As he finished telling me everything, he slid off my lap and quietly walked out of the room. I watched him go and slowly reached up to wipe the tears off my face. I had never really understood what either of them was going through and now it was that much clearer to me why neither of them could be around the other. I am sure it would bring back memories for Sam, if he still had them. Cas told me that he explained the severity of the mental damage that Sam had to him, although he explained it in minute detail, compared as to what he told me. After what I learned tonight, I'm not sure that I want to try throwing those two in a room together ever again.

I hear soft footsteps around down the hall and look up to see Cas leaning against a wall. When he hesitantly asks if I'm coming to bed, I small calmly at him and push myself off the couch. I walk over to him and bend down, softly pressing a kiss to his cool lips and lead him to the bedroom by the hand. As we walk through the door, I think maybe things are starting to look up, if Cas can open up like that. It pleases me and allows, for once, a restful night for both me and Cas.


	4. Everything Will Be All Right

Please read and review. Let me know if you like it, don't like it, have suggestions, comments, ideas, etc. All rights go to the creators of Supernatural

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It's been a month since I saw Sam so it came as a great shock to me when I heard someone knocking on the door and opened it to find my little brother standing on the doorstep in the pouring rain. I paused for a moment and watched him as he registered the shock on my face. I glanced behind me to see Cas watching us with a small smile on his face. Hesitantly, he walked up to us and grabbed Sam's hand, pulling him inside. I slowly shut the door and followed them into the living room.

I admit, I was completely surprised, and even more surprised when Cas asked me to leave the room so he and Sam could talk for a while alone. After waiting a few minutes to make sure the two weren't going to spontaneously combust, I made my way to the back porch and settled into the seat I had set up for Cas on his bad days.

It was nice though, the bad days seemed few and far between, but I hoped this visit from Sam wouldn't set him back. We had finally been able to have conversations that didn't consist of what Lucifer was making him see that time, or having awkward pauses in the conversation for Cas to tell him to shut up and leave us be. I missed the days when the three of us had been so close and were always together, even though we had been hunting. Deep down, though, I miss hunting. It was my constant and things just don't seem right for me anymore. The lack of hunting has had an effect on me and I've been doing my best to hide it.

I don't think that I am hiding it very well, every time I zone off thinking about it, I come back to reality with Cas giving me a sad smile. After that he sits beside me and holds me against him. It's nice to have the roles switched every once in a while. Taking care of him has its benefits, but at times its so lonely. The only family I have left is Sam, and Cas is my only friend; outside of the fact that he is my lover. Most days with Cas end in silence, me comforting him as he cries into my shoulder. The mental pain gets to him, and he knows that it bothers me. I just wish he knew it wasn't for the reasons I'm sure he thinks it is. I want him to be better, but I still love him, just because he is Cas. I know that sometimes he thinks I stick around because I'm guilty about what happened.

I just want to be able to tell him the truth without freaking out. I have never been the sentimental type, romance never came easy to me, despite what people thought. Sure, I was able to pick up girls at bars and cafés all the time. But when it came to one particular person that I really, truly loved, it was hard to break out of my shell and admit everything to them. After monsters and demons started making attacks personal and hurting those Sam and I cared for, I completely shut down. Admitting that I loved Cas to myself was easy, admitting it to him was the hard part. No matter how many times he told me he loved me and he needed me, it was almost impossible for me to admit it out loud. Until I finally did, and now, I whisper it to him every night until he falls asleep. Not that I will admit that part out loud to people, because honestly, the only other person I really talk to is Sam and he would give me hell about it until the day we permanently died.

The birds begin to fly in a large circle around the yard, announcing that it is already sometime after five. I sigh softly and stand, walking inside to begin preparing dinner. I find Sam and Cas standing in the kitchen, carefully reading over the directions on a box of Shake 'n' Bake. They stare at me in shock for a moment before Cas walks over to me. He gently pushes me out of the kitchen and I glance back nervously at Sam, who smiles comfortingly at me. Cas leads me to the couch, hands me the remote, then walks back into the kitchen.

Shaking my head, I sit on the couch and turn on the television for a few moments before turning it off and standing to leave the room. I walk slowly down the hall into the room I haven't entered since we started renting the house. I opened the door and take a deep breath before walking in. Lined against the wall with Cas' organization are boxes filled with music and the parts to my drum set and keyboard, as well as several amps. Leaning against the opposite wall is my guitar case. Next to it is the one thing Cas unpacked in this room, my guitar stand.

I nudge the door shut and walk over to the guitar. I sink to my knees and grab the case, slowly opening it to reveal the instrument that I haven't played since the end of the apocalypse. I run my hands over the smooth surface and gently pull it out to begin tuning it. I lean against the wall and strum a few cords, letting my head fall back against that wall. My eyes fall shut and begin humming along with the cords and eventually I begin singing.

My voice is soft and scratchy from not singing but through the course of the song, my voice gets stronger and when I reach the end, I let my voice trail off until the notes from the guitar are the only things that can be heard. I feel the tears slide down my face but before I can reach up to wipe them away, I feel a kiss on my cheek. I open my eyes to see Cas bending over me, kissing the tears that are sliding down my cheeks. The action is familiar, one I've done over the months spent helping Cas. Sam is standing in the doorway and walks over to take the guitar from me. I lean forward, sobbing quietly, finally allowing myself to feel everything I've put aside for Cas and Sam.

Sam places the guitar on the stand and sits beside me, pulling me against him. I clench his shirt in my hands and cry into his shoulder. Cas wraps his arms around both of us and whispers comforting words into my ear and runs his hand up and down my back. I can feel Sam's body shaking, showing me that he is trying to hold back tears.

After a while, my tears begin to slow and I shift most of my weight over to Cas, who wraps both arms around me and pulling me against his chest. Sam stands and leaves the room quietly and after a few moments I can hear dishes being banged around in the kitchen. Cas and I remain in this position until Sam walks back in, telling us that dinner is ready. I stand slowly and wait for Cas to join me. I take his hand and we walk to the table together.

I cannot talk about everything that I thought about today with Sam. I don't even want to talk about it with Cas, I don't want to burden either of them. I know I owe it to Cas though, so when Sam leaves after dinner, Cas and I make our way to the bedroom. I lay in the bed waiting for him and when he crawls in to join me, he surprises me by taking the position I'm normally in. He wraps his body around mine and quietly begs me to talk to him. I turn so I am facing him and begin to tell him everything. He kisses the tears away and speaks soothingly to me, and I finally know that it is all right to talk about things, no matter how difficult it may be. There is always someone willing to listen and ease the pain.


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